the movieGOOMBA

2 GOOMBAS

1 GOOMBA

. . . and then he could jump through space and time - now we're in London, now we're in France, I can see Rachel Bilson's underpants.

Completely abrupt, haphazard, and crazy, Jumper is a story about David Rice (Hayden Christiansen) and his ability to jump through space - I'm not sure if he can jump through time though. They may not have covered that in the user manual. One day, after being throughly humiliated on the school yard in front of the girl he's crushing on, he falls through a frozen river and is about to drown. Suddenly, he finds himself sopping wet in the middle of the school library. He then realizes that he can go anywhere in the world, which includes a stop over in the middle of a bank vault. As the years pass and he's worked his way up to a luxury apartment, Roland (Samuel L. Jackson), a Jumper Hunter, finds him, and the whirlwind of jumping, running, and electrocuting begins. Somewhere in the mix, David manages to pick up his former childhood sweetheart (Bilson) and meet another Jumper.

Great CG and beautiful destination shots, Jumper is still just a hop, skip, and a jump away from being a zero GOOMBA, a rating I hadn't thought existed before this movie. Poorly acted, cheesy, and continuously dumb, I purposely gave you a thorough synopsis because I know you'll be curious, but don't do it! My synopsis is better! Samuel L. Jackson, a Jumper Hunter - I shouldn't have to say any more.

Aside from plot retardation (like Millie naively following along with no questions asked, or Jackson electrocuting Jumpers just because, or Hayden Christiansen pretending to be a bad ass), the interesting concept for a story was drowned, maimed, and cindered in the span of an agonizing 90 minutes. The movie started out well. I was engaging, and I was curious to see how it would all work out. Then, that great 20 minutes were followed by the introduction of the grown-up David (AKA Christiansen). Throw in the Snakes on a Plane actor, and you've got yourself a flop.

So Jumper is not good. Don't jump!

2 GOOMBAS

One of my favorite teachers, Mr. Armstrong, taught AP European History. During the first week of class, I had been listening diligently to one of his lectures, and for one moment I focused on my notes when suddenly, he calls my name. He's waiting for my answer. The last thing he was talking about before I zoned out was Germany. The question was, "Where does he live?" So I answered, "Berlin . . ?" In actuality, the question was "Where does the pope live." And that, of course, was the wrong answer. So from then on, every once in a while, if Mr. Armstrong thought I was drifting off . . . he'd yell "Jennifer! Where's the pope!?!" And I'd answer, "The Vatican, Mr. Armstrong." But aside from learning where the pope lived, I learned about Anne Boleyn and her integral part to the Church of England.

The Other Boleyn Girl focuses on Henry VIII's affair with Mary Boleyn (Scarlett Johansson) and the struggle between two sisters over the same man. Mary is shy and beautiful while Anne (Natalie Portman) is witty and daring. In an attempt to raise their family standings, the Boleyn parents sought to make Anne King Henry's mistress. However, when her first attempt fails to get his attention, he notices the quiet, but stunning Mary instead. Mary becomes his mistress while Anne is sent off to France for some feminine refinement. Anne returns some years later, after the King has grown tired of Mary, and King Henry becomes infatuated with her. And when sisters fight over the same man, things get pretty ugly.

With two strong female leads, its a wonder that this period piece became such a revolting film. Now, I realize that this was just how it was in the olden days, setting your kids up to become royal sex toys for the betterment of the family, but I was absolutely disgusted. But that isn't so much the film's fault as it is history's fault. What was terrible was the indecisive portrayal of Henry VIII. I have no way of knowing how close the role is to the real person, but as a character, he had no depth or complexities. He was basically a sex fiend who got what he wanted or someone died if he didn't. Completely uninteresting. Same with the plot. Same with Anne and Mary. Although, I must recognize Natalie Portman's dazzling performance as the loving, yet dually selfish sister.

I must say that this article is particularly dull. I blame that on the subject. Don't watch this movie unless you want to catch a glimpse of the cute Jim Sturgess, the Boleyn Brother. Unfortunately, he gets beheaded and he doesn't sing a line. If I spoiled it for you - good. Anything to keep you from watching this film.

2 GOOMBAS

When people fall in love with Shia LaBeouf, they just can’t get enough of him. Spielberg cast him in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull and he executively produced LaBeouf’s summer blockbuster, Transformers. Now Disturbia director, D.J. Caruso, and star, LaBeouf, team up again for DreamWorks’ new thriller Eagle Eye. Once you go Shia, you can’t go back, but unfortunately for the both of them, Eagle Eye kind of sucked.

LaBeouf stars as a typical, unmotivated young slacker along side the beautiful Michelle Monaghan, who plays an average, over-worked single mother. Both characters are framed as terrorists, and in an attempt to run from a Big Brother-like villian, they cross paths and form an unlikely alliance as they also run from the government and those who framed them. Rosario Dawson and Billy Bob Thornton join the cast as a government agent and FBI Detective trailing the pair.

Shia is Hollywood's current, favorite juvenile delinquent, and I could care less. On screen, he's got a certain dorky, underdog charm that makes my heart melt with sympathetic adoration, and though this is a mediocre action packed, suspense thriller at best, he still exudes distinction and quality acting. But his comedic timing and good acting can't save this flick from a lame story and a thoroughly retarded ending. For a very long while, the movie was cheesy, but absolutely fun - as actions movies should be. The multiple chase scenes were intense and absolutely ridiculous, the mammoth explosions were completely blown out of proportion (a plus sign in this genre), and those great one-liners kept the tone upbeat and amusing. And then, they revealed who the terrorists were. But, no worries. It still made it to the 3 GOOMBA level. And then, Big Brother vaporized a guy by chasing him with a broken power line. Still okay. And then, Bill Bob gave Shia his FBI badge and gun just before [highlight to see] exploding himself (which involved a car and an airplane in a Washington DC tunnel) for the greater good. And so Eagle Eye's fate was sealed. A shaming moment in Hollywood history.

Eagle Eyes was a bad cocktail of The Terminator, Enemy of the State, and Die Hard, all of which are far better movies than the one in question. However, I do recommend this movie for the excellent chase scenes or for a Saturday night movie at home with friends.

LaBeouf is currently filming Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

2 GOOMBAS

I always wonder what it would be like to see through someone else's eyes. When I'm out driving, I sometimes look out my window at another driver and often ask myself, "What is he thinking about?" "Where is she going?" "Who are they?" The idea of seeing through a different perspective is fascinating, but trespassing on someone else's personal thoughts is only something that happens in books, and sometimes in movies.

Vantage Point takes this concept and films it in a Momento-inspired style. Looping through the same 23 minute period, the viewer is taken into the different perspectives of six characters who witness the same attempted presidential assassination. With each loop, more information on the plot unfolds, and the mystery behind the assault is revealed. The ensemble cast includes screen regulars, Forest Whitaker, Matthew Fox, Dennis Quaid, and Sigourney Weaver.

When the filmmakers pitched this idea to the executive producers, I'm sure it sounded innovative and amazingly creative. However, it yields complete frustration to the viewer. I found myself commenting on how "cool" and "cutting edge" it all seemed during the first 46 minutes - and then, it began to drag on, and on, and on, and on. It was exhausting living through the same 23 minutes six times, and then, only moving, what seemed like half a frame, toward the ending was brutally irritating. It's okay to leave a person in suspense, but not to the point where they'd rather turn the TV off than find out how it ends. This editing gimmick completely backfires.

Then, there are the characters. With the impossible stunt scenarios aside, Howard Lewis (Whitaker) and Tom Barnes' (Quaid) characters were thoroughly lame and unconvincing. An American tourist is not going to run after a terrorist in the middle of a Spanish city after he's just been blown up by a bomb - unless he happened to be Rambo. In that same respect, Barnes, a secret service agent, would not have acted as a vigilante, running through the streets all by his lonesome to find the terrorist regime who bombed the President of the United States. His chase scenes and professional demeanor were so far from reality that I can't even use the "movie magic" plea for him.

The positive things I have to say about this film (which are few) are: 1) it actually has a message, 2) it attempts creativity, and 3) it does produces some interest. However, even with these things said, I still suggest you watch this film from a different vantage point; with your back facing the TV.

3 GOOMBAS